- Hi. Hello.
I'm Blake Chesterfield Henderson,
and this is my Thanksgiving video.
Holidays are always a little tough for me.
Like many children in America, I'm from a broken home.
But I think this Turkey Day's
gonna be a little different because...
[reggae dance music]
Oh, yeah!
I'm going to Hedonism II, y'all, yep!
Jamaica's premiere sex resort.
Four days, three nights.
And we are just gonna...
Oh! Oh, oh, oh!
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!
Tag 'em and bag 'em! Ha-ha-ha!
I'm so excited.
And I'm going with my real family, Adam and Ders.
We're gonna have a blast.
There's beaches. There's babes.
And there is also...
♪ Buh, buh-buh, buh ♪
A little restaurant called Pastafari.
Italian food with a Jamaican fusion.
Jah, please. Ha-ha-ha!
Hey, let's go check on the guys.
I'm so excited!
Oh! There he is.
Anders, say "what's up" to the camera.
- Uh, Ders? Who's Ders?
My name's Buddy Ferrera.
- Whoa, you decided to shave the playoff beard off.
- Well, here's the deal.
You see, Anders Holmvik, he can't go to Hedonism II.
You know, he's gonna run for city councilman someday.
But Buddy Ferrera, well, he's a goatee-sportin',
♪ Good-time havin' freaky cat ♪
Ahh. [laughing]
- Oh, hey, what's up, Adam?
You are lookin' straight jacked, dude.
- Dang, homey! - Nice!
- I can't go to Hedonism.
I'm not gonna have a good time. I won't get laid.
- Why? - Why is that?
- Because my dick fell off!
[all laughing]
Oh! Just kidding. I tucked it back.
It actually hurts a lot. My dick's back here, though.
[hip-hop music]
- ♪ I'm fresh ♪
♪♪
- ♪ You gotta, you gotta, you gotta ♪
- ♪ You gotta be fresh ♪
- Hey, you guys are packin' sunscreen, right?
Remember, this is their summer.
- No way, dude.
I'm trying to get Beyoncé dark!
- Sun is straight danger!
- Don't worry, dude. I got the self-tanner.
It's good too. Linda Hogan endorses it.
- Hey, has anybody seen my Tevas?
I really need my Tevas.
- Hey, fellas, please remember.
I got us dinner reservations.
Thanksgiving dinner at Pastafari,
so pack a fancy outfit.
I've got a blazer, no shirt.
That's what I'm thinking.
But, Ders, you're kinda GQ.
Should the tie match my nipples?
- Ha ha!
Guys, I found my Tevas.
- Just so you know, I'm really excited
to end my 11-month dry spell,
but we're definitely going to be seeing each other
butt naked humping stuff.
I just hope we're ready for that.
- Oh, yeah. Buddy's a go.
- Blakester is ready to get his knob gobbled.
- All right!
Let's get weird! Let's get weird!
- Okay, everyone has their plane ticket, right?
- Yeah, I thought we were chanting, "Let's get weird."
- Good to go!
- Okay, bathing suits?
- Check!
- I will not be wearing a bathing suit.
So, no.
- And, uh, passports.
- Oh, yeah!
- Huh?
- I printed out the forms. I even filled them out for you.
All you had to do was sign it and mail it.
You want to tell me what the hell happened?
- You want to know what happened, Ders?
I forgot all of that stuff, Ders!
- Great.
And I thought that Jamaica was part of the U.S.
I didn't think I needed a passport!
- That's the Bahamas, you buffoon.
- Otay, now I know.
- You're gonna need a passport, okay?
We're not gonna go. Just the two of us?
- Yeah, two guys going to Hedonism?
This is not the kind of weird I'm talking about, okay?
I'm going for a very, very specific type of weird here.
- [sighs heavily]
- Niche weird!
Plus, you're the only one that knows how to speak Jamaican.
- Guys, our flight leaves in six hours.
There's no way we can get a passport by then.
- We can't, but I know one man-
one life wizard- who can.
Man.
[car door slams]
- Hey, what's up, brah-gers? - What's up?
- Ooh, what are you doin' to the rape van, bud?
- Oh, check it out.
When they throw the grapes out, right?
I grab 'em, throw 'em in these crates,
take 'em to the farmers' market,
and resell 'em, huh?
So I got me a grape van now.
- Yeah, that makes a lot of sense.
- So they're-they're not organic.
- No, I wrote that.
- Genius move. - Yeah.
- I'm just glad to see you're not
a drug dealer anymore, to be honest.
- Well, when you really think about it, Anders,
are we not all drug dealers... brah?
- No. - Yeah, wow.
- Just so we're clear, I do still deal drugs.
- Oh. Thank God. - Whew!
- Whoo! - Best in the business.
- You know, I'd love to chitchat,
but we've got six hours to get to Hedonism II.
And I don't have a passport, so I need your help, bud.
- Oh, I'm sorry, but I've been out of the passport game
since college.
- Uh, red flag. You didn't go to college.
- Well, I parked my van outside of a college
for three and a half semesters.
- Okay, no, but you have to have some, like, scumbag friends
who can hook me up.
Come on, I am desperate housedude at this moment, dude.
- Ah...Dale and Betsy.
Yeah, they make fake I.D.s.
They could totally make you a fake passport.
They made me a birth certificate when I lost mine.
- Perfect! Nice! - I'm sorry.
Hold the phone! Fake passports?
We never talked about this.
- Okay, I'll get you guys the address.
- Hey, I'm going on this trip.
I'm going to Pastafari,
and I will try the Jamaican jerk lasagna.
- Fake passports equals felony, okay?
If you guys want to get involved in this,
you're gonna have to sign some sort of affidavit
saying I had nothing to do with it.
- Yeah. I don't know what an affidavit is, though,
so how can I sign that?
Is that like a fruit?
- It's basically, like, what lawyers use
when they need to win a case...
to make a bill a law.
- Yeah, okay. - Yeah.
- Yep, that makes sense. Law and Order: SVU.
- Yeah, we'll sign it. - Okay, so check it out.
Here, I drew you a little map.
Just go ahead and follow that line that I drew,
and you'll be good.
- He drew us a map.
- Oh, that's so clutch.
That's so clutch. - What a guy.
- Hey, do you guys want some grapes for your journey?
- No, we're good.
- Not really, dude.
- Wow, this is great. Thank you so much, Karl.
- Yeah, no problem.
- Oh, wait, hold- Karl, is there, like,
a password we need or anything?
- There's not a password.
- Drug dealers have those. - Hey-yo, maggots!
- There's a password. - Yep.
There ya go. - Okay, cool.
- Hey-yo, maggots.
I cannot wait to meet these class acts.
[knocking on door]
- Can I help you?
- Hey-yo, maggots!
- What? - Hey-yo!
Maggots!
- Excuse me? I-
- Uh, I'm sorry on our behalf.
Guys, wrong house, I'm telling you.
- No, no, no, no.
We're-we're here for the...passports.
We're friends with...Karl.
- Oh!
Oh, Karl!
Oh, yes, of course. Come on in!
What was that about the maggots?
- You tell us.
- In you go. - Cool.
- Sorry.
- Uh, just to clear things up,
you know Karl Hevacheck?
Uh, the guy who doesn't wear underwear and has a dirt beard?
- Yeah. Karl and I go way back.
He used to play keyboards at my church.
- Okay, you're blowing my mind,
'cause he's Karl, and you have impeccable taste.
- Thank you. - This is very nice.
Restoration Hardware? - Oh, you know what?
Believe it or not, it's actually Pier 1.
- Get out!
- I know. - That's Pier 1.
- I don't know what that means.
- Can I get you boys anything? Some water or milk?
- Uh, a low-carb Red Bull?
- Oh... - Tired right now!
Or some Shark Bites or Gushers?
- We don't have any sugar in this house.
- I think we're okay.
Blake, if you would just get to it?
- I actually need a passport,
and I heard that you and Dale are the people to talk to.
- Dale is my ex.
And we don't use that name in this house.
- Is this something that was recent?
- Anyhoo, if you could just get me your picture...
- Yeah, absolutely.
Here it is, right here.
That's me with the long hair.
- Oh, how cute.
Well, I can have that passport ready in a few days.
- No. No, no, no, no, no.
We need that, like, now, if you could.
- Yeah, our flight is in, like, five hours.
- Oh, then I can't help you, then.
- Ma'am, please!
Can't you please just do it right now?
Please! I'll be your best friend.
- Guys, tomorrow is Thanksgiving.
I have to go to the grocery store.
I have to pick up my son from wrestling practice.
- I'm great at picking up sons! That's my-that's my forte.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. You stay home.
We'll be like your little butlers.
It'll be great.
You could probably finish it in time, right?
- Well, I mean, in theory, of course I could.
- We can be your grocery genies!
Yeah, make a wish, poof! It arrives.
- No, no, no.
- Hang on, hang on. Let me show you something.
This is my driver's license.
Clean record, okay?
I got insurance, AAA card, member since 2007.
- So responsible, very responsible.
- Thank you.
- You have the hardest job in the world.
You're a single mother.
I was raised by a single mother
and also Stone Cold Steve Austin via TV.
- And we'll pay for your groceries, Bets.
I'm talkin' Whole Foods, the good stuff.
Know what I mean?
Help us help you help yourself
while also helping us.
- [sighs] Oh, God. Let me get the list.
- Yes!
- Hey-yo, maggots!
[laughing]
[hip-hop music]
[school bell rings]
- Buddy, drop it, all right?
Let's just get this guy and get him home.
- Just saying if Betsy's gonna make stuffing,
she's gonna wish she had Craisins, and I'm dropping it.
- Wait, there he is.
Damien!
- Yeah?
- Hey, pal, we're the, uh,
guys who are gonna take you home, so come on.
- Yeah, my mom texted me, but I'm not going.
- What? We got snacks, dude.
They were out of Gushers, but I got some licorice.
[high, squeaky voice] Come on! Come on!
Come on! Go get it, little guy!
- In the car. - I don't get that.
That worked on me as a kid.
- That is weird, huh? - That's a good trick.
- Guys, let me have a shot. Hey, Damien...
Get in that car right now!
- Hey, calm your old ass down.
Tell my mom I'll be home later.
Maybe.
- Later maybe- - Ders, Ders!
Hey, little dude, you need to show
your elder dudes a bit of respect, okay?
Now come with us 'cause your mom's making us fake passports.
- Get the fuck away from me, you long-haired jizz expert!
- Okay, no one talks to my long-haired jizz expert
like that, okay?
You're comin' with me!
Ow! Ow! Ow!
- Yeah, twist your arm right now.
- Ow! Ow!
- You're comin' with me!
[all arguing]
- You're very strong!
- No! No! - Solid core!
- Help!
Help! Help! Stranger danger!
- Go!
- Rape! Rape!
- All right, and a Thanksgiving update.
We got a little derailed, but we're back on track.
Picked up a real nice lad.
- I'm gonna- - Aaah!
- Damien! - Help!
- No horseplay back there! Not in my 'Vo!
- Keep your hands off my best friend!
I'm sorry, Ders. - What?
- 'Cause he's my best friend, and you're-
Oh, hey, not cool!
Whoa! Not cool!
[screaming] - What are you-
Whoa! Whoa!
- Keep your hands off of me!
- Guys, no, no, no. Look!
- Fuck! - That is our car.
Fuck! - Shit!
Fuck! Shit!
Fuck! Fuck!
- What are we gonna do?
- Hide the car! - What?
- Hide the car! - That doesn't make any sense!
You can't hide the car!
- You can hide the car! - You can't!
- Or...can we?
Come on, dudes, we got to cover this whole thing.
- Tagging's fun!
- Hey, it's hot out here.
Does anybody want any grapes or anything?
- Hey, buddy, you gonna help us over here or what?
- Help? I can't even watch!
- God, you know what?
I can't believe Dale and Bets split up.
Man, that really chaps my hide.
- Karl, who cares about Dale and Betsy, okay?
You're raping my Volvo right now.
- Whoa, Ders, grow up, dude.
- Blake, aren't you supposed to be in the car
watching this kiddo?
- No. Don't worry about it.
He's locked in there.
- What do you mean he's locked?
You can't lock somebody in a car.
- Uh, I don't know if you know this,
but there's things called child locks.
- Ka-doy.
- Yeah, but those are for, like, little children.
He's not-he could just reach around
and then, like, hit the switch and unlock-
- Later, jack-offs!
- Oh. - Wait!
- He just did what I was saying!
He just did what I was saying!
- I'm not runnin'. No way, no how, man.
[hard rock music]
♪♪
- Hold-hold on! - My car!
- Hey! Stop!
That kid, he's my ticket to Hedonism!
[Jamaican accent] Ya bumbaclot idiot!
- Someone call for a taxi?
'Cause it's yellow, most of the parts.
- We did a good job painting.
- How much time till our flight leaves?
- Four hours.
We gotta get this kid now, like, right now,
or we're not gonna be able to check bags.
- He's too fast. He's too strong, man.
- Well, he's got that high-school body.
He's a young go-hard.
- Unbelievable body. I used to have that body.
- We all had that body, man!
That's a high-school body, man! We all had the body!
- God, I used to look good in jeans.
- I had a six-pack in grammar school.
It was ridiculous.
- Dudes! Dudes, dudes, dudes, dudes!
He just got off the bus. - Damien!
You get back in this car right now!
You are going home, mister!
- There he goes, right into that porn theater.
- Go, go, go, just pull up right there.
- Eskimo Sluts.
- Wait up.
- All right, here we go.
- Hey, fellas, it's, uh, five bucks.
- All right.
- So you guys are, uh, first-timers, huh?
- Yeah.
- Ter...rific.
Welcome to the Inland Empire's oldest operating...
erotic theater.
Now, since these doors were opened in 1963,
we've had but one motto.
- Okay, I'm sorry, could we just get the tickets
and go into the show, please?
- We've had but one motto.
Be courteous, have fun,
and come again...
and again and again and-
[chortling]
I think it's funny. Here ya go.
You're gonna really enjoy this. It's called Endless Hummer.
- Thanks.
- And I think the previews are just about ending.
- Hey, dudes.
Let's be respectful.
Liberry voices.
- [inhales deeply] I can already smell the weird.
[hip-hop music]
- ♪ Fresh, fresh, fresh, fresh, fresh ♪
- Well, whose board am I gonna ride first?
- Well, that all depends also.
- You know, like I said, we do everything together.
- Dude, buddy, you made the big screen.
That looks...just like you.
- Whoa, you do. You look just like him.
- I don't look like that guy.
- It's like your twin.
- Yeah, you look exactly like that guy.
- Damien. - Damien.
- Damien?
- Shh.
- Sorry.
- Our bad.
- I can't see anything.
[woman moaning in movie]
- Sorry. - Sorry.
- Hey, why don't I use
the night vision on my little camera?
- Nice. - Go, go, go, go.
- Scope it out.
- Yeah, Blair Witch this bitch.
- I can't believe it wasn't real.
- Oh... - What the-
- Come on, buddy. - Ugh.
- Come on. - Ugh, come on, guys.
- What are they doing?
- Oh, jeez. - Oh!
- Oh. - Good God!
- No, no, no, no, no. Turn it off.
Turn it off- - Don't-
- Turn it off! - Who is it?
- [hisses] - Oh, God, let's just go!
- I dropped my keys. - Sorry, sorry.
Sorry about this, whoa.
Hey, your dick's in your hand.
- We're just looking for a little boy.
- You guys seen a kid? He's about this tall.
- Your dick is in your hand, dude!
- Ooh!
- Hey.
Full house tonight, huh?
- Oh, my God.
Okay, so this is not good.
That was gross! I can't look at skin.
I can't look at mouths anymore.
- I kept hearing- [smacking lips]
- Stop it! Don't do that!
- I messed everything up.
You guys should just go without me.
Tell Pastafari I said I'm hungry.
And if you remember,
bring me home some Jamaican jerk lasagna.
- No. - No, no.
I'm not gonna bring you anything, dude.
'Cause I'm not gonna go anywhere without you!
Besides the fact that this is gonna take our friendship
to the next level as sexual conquistadors-
recently I learned that word-
it's Thanksgiving, right?
You know what I mean?
And this little Indian isn't going to go anywhere
without his Pilgrims, and you guys are the Pilgrims.
And the more I think about it, we should act out, like,
a Pocahontas situation with some leathery Hedo babes.
Like, that'd be awesome, right?
Am I rambling a little bit? I'm excited.
- No, no, you're not rambling. We're all on the same page.
Pocahontas sounds great, but... - Thank you.
- I don't know, man. It just doesn't seem right.
I say we call it.
- Yeah.
- We did spend $400 nonrefundable.
- Okay, so we definitely have to go on this trip!
We just gotta find that kid!
- Yes.
- Well, maybe if we- - Hey, guys.
Thing's not gonna suck itself.
- Oh!
Holy meat rod!
That is a real bat.
Real meat stick.
- Hey, Gerald! Is that you?
- Hey, Dan, the man with the mouth.
I can't give this thing away today.
- Hey, do you know where Jimmy is?
Is he around? - Oh, I wish.
No. Andy's good, though.
- What, Andy the golf pro?
- No, black Andy, that guy.
- Oh, sweet chocolate.
Ha ha. Oh, sorry.
Reach around? Reach around?
Anybody?
You guys? - I'm good.
- Hey. Full house tonight, huh?
- Now, as I was saying
before we were so rudely interrupted,
we're gonna smoke Damien out, well, kind of.
We're gonna pull this alarm,
and then when everybody comes rushing out of the theater,
we'll grab him.
- Okay, Blake, that's-that's actually genius.
It's also illegal.
I think we're stacking crimes pretty high today.
- Ders, desperate times calls for desperate measuring.
- And it's not illegal.
I've done it personally, like-like, 14 times.
Middle school was wild.
- Blake, it's illegal.
- Fug that. I ain't never scared.
- Don't move! On the floor!
- I didn't touch it, I swear!
- I said down. - Oh, do we have to?
- It's like really gross. Okay, okay, sure, yep.
It's really sticky, actually.
- Are you the owners of the Volvo parked out front
with the crappy paint job?
- Why? Did someone ding my car?
- Where's the kid?
- What in the hell is going on here?
- Just stand aside and relax, sir.
- No, I will not. This is my place of business.
I've got permits.
- Sir, these men are involved
in the kidnapping of a minor.
- No, no, no! We didn't kidnap anybody-
No, no! There he is, ask him!
- Whoa, hold on. That's my son.
Now, Damien, you get out here.
Did these guys try to kidnap you or something?
- No, listen, please.
We were sent to pick him up by his mom
while she was gonna make-
look, we're friend-Betsy. We know Betsy.
- We're friends with Betsy. - Yeah, we know Betsy.
- Yeah, I mean, we forced him into the car,
but that's just 'cause he's, like, really, really strong.
- He should be in American Gladiator.
- Is anything that they're saying true?
- Yeah, I just didn't want to go home to mom
because I wanted to hang out with you,
and-and maybe see if we could
all eat Thanksgiving together tomorrow,
like we used to.
- Oh, that's sweet. - That's beautiful.
- This carpet smells like semen.
Yep, that is semen. That is semen right there.
- We're just gonna get up. - No, back down.
Going back down. Oh, we'll go back down.
- Don't point that. - [whimpering]
- It's just semen. Stop whining.
So I'm leaving.
But you still parked in a red zone, kid.
And don't check "not guilty" by accident
and drag my ass into court, okay?
- Yes, sir. - Let's get out of here.
- Thank you, officer.
- I am so sorry about all this confusion.
It's just-ever since our divorce,
it's been very hard on Damien.
- Hey, my parents are divorced. Holidays are rough.
- Nobody cares, crybaby.
- Well, he should've listened to his mother.
He knows he's not supposed to come to my picture house.
- Picture house? This is a porno theater, dude.
Own it, man. It's cool.
- Anyway, we gotta get Damien back to the house pronto.
- Well, what's the rush?
- Betsy's making Blake a fake passport.
- Oh.
- Yeah, we've got flight to Hedonism II
in, like, a couple hours, so we better get going.
- Are you fuckin' kidding me?
I love Hedonism. Ah!
- Oh, cool!
- Where do you think this little rascal was conceived?
[laughter] - Dad!
- Hedonism, really?
- Well, no, but an orgy just like it.
- Hey. - I think he's mine.
[laughter]
It's a joke we have. - Dad!
- Oh, come on. - Stop.
- See you, guys. - Happy Thanksgiving.
- You too. Gobble, gobble.
- Oh, and, Damien...
- Later!
- I think we brought a family together
just in time for Thanksgiving.
- I think you're right. - Get off me!
- I'm not on you.
- You and your stupid porn theater!
- What is your problem? - Let's get weird!
all: Let's get weird! We're getting weird!
- We-we-we-we-we-we-we
we-we-we-we-we-we we-we-we-we
we'll get so fucking weird.
[steel drum music]
♪♪
- So did we save room for dessert?
- Where are all the titties and butt cheeks?
- Probably having Thanksgiving with their families.
- That's...stupid.
- So how's that Jamaican jerk lasagna treating you?
- Hmm.
It's fucking gross, Mike.
- Nice!
[dog snorting, noisemaker toots]
Retail subrip by jeem.